Man Accuses Bigfoot of Sexual Assault

Glen Morril (Victim)
Bigfoot  (Alleged Attacker)
-57 year old Gene Morrill, from Casper, Wyoming appeared before police, investigators and news media today where he claimed to have been sexually assaulted several times by the legendary Bigfoot.  Morrill stated that over the past 18 months, he had gone camping multiple times where he was confronted by the lewd menace and forced into questionable situations.  At first, Morrill ignored many of his advances, slapping the creature’s hands and hitting him with marshmallows and then fleeing to other campsites.  “Once he had my scent, I knew I was an easy target,” Morrill explained, “and I have a very distinctive smell, especially when I’m camping” chuckled Morrill.  County Prosecutor Fletcher Paskins stated, “We take issues such as these very seriously.  We will not rest until justice is served and this purported perp is properly prosecuted.”  Police have had several leads so far, including some false alarms turning out to be merely Justin Bieber hair sightings. Morrill is in stable condition and will remain under the razor of police protection.

Police-Released Sketch of Alleged Attacker

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Brutal Beecher/Bogus Baby Bouncer Busted!

Beecher Taunting Crowd with Infant
Ogden, Utah-28 year old Justin Spot Beecher was arrested Thursday in connection with a slew of fake baby droppings. Police watched in absolute horror as Beecher taunted the crowd, making mockingly crude “splat” sounds. Beecher regularly holds actual infants over the balcony until large crowds and police gather to watch, then secretly exchanges the infant with a life size doll and appears to accidentally drop them. In his abhorrent routine, he then leans on the balcony and hysterically weeps until the crowd realizes they’ve been fooled.  Beecher then jumps to his feet and mocks the crowd with his cruel laughter and false tears of mimicry.
Beecher, who is a huge fan of Michael Jackson, began to hold random babies over the edge of hotel balconies in honor of the late pop star. This is Beecher’s seventh related offense and local police aren’t happy because he fools them every time and have given him the nickname Brutal Beecher Baby Bouncer; “try saying that 10 times fast”, stated Lieutenant Crosby.
  

Couple Exchanges Rings for Fingers in Surprising Surgical Ceremony

A newly married couple in Pasadena, California tied the knot this weekend when they exchanged fingers instead of rings in this unique wedding/surgical ceremony. Beecher Riley and his wife Harriet O’Gillium Riley stated they didn’t want the traditional mamby pamby ring exchange ceremony, “I decided we would exchange ring fingers instead of rings” Beecher stated. “This way, I will always have part of her with me but mostly because rings are childish and ugly.”
Despite advice and requests from multiple doctors to not exchange fingers, the couple insisted on going through with the surgical ceremony. Dr. Lloyd Trevors, from the Fresno Finger Institute stated, “This really hasn’t been done before.  Both couples are quite likely to experience a severe decrease in motor functions for their fingers,hand and arm, some heavy infection and may even experience large amounts of severe mental stress due to the phalangeal exchange, it was a very poor choice.”
The surgical-wedding ceremony lasted nearly 3 hours as guests were fed finger decorated wedding cake.
Finger Decorated Wedding Cake

Three-Month Pregnancy Now Available Thanks to Amazing New Pill

Obstetricians and Pharmacologists from the University of Southern Delaware have united to create a new pill (NacerMorph) that will speed up the pregnancy process to an astounding three months.  Developers of the new drug say that pregnant women who first become pregnant and take the exiting new tablets will deliver extremely healthy newborns at full term in only 12 weeks with absolutely no side effects whatsoever.  This practical new discovery came about when (OBGYN) Dr. Peter Venkman and Pharmacologist, Bob Wiley were attempting to develop healthy sedatives for troubled infants with insomnia. 
Upcoming mothers, (such as Glee actress Dianna Agron) can now have up to 4 babies per year, though doctors reccommend at least a one-month recovery period for each pregnancy.  The new drug will be available July 1, 2011 to women only.

Doctors Cut Umbilical Cords to Prevent Chubby Newborns

An incredible breakthrough has recently come about in the modern world of medicine as doctors of New Sea haven University release research proving that cutting the umbilical cord one week prior to the baby’s delivery, can actually speed up the birthing process and create skinnier and more attractive babies.Marcy McDonald of San Diego stated, “I’m relieved to have this done early. I’m tired of seeing chubby babies and this will give them a head start to defeat the uprising child obesity epidemic.” Doctors say that the only real side effect that may occur is “extreme adorableness”.Dr. W. Mathau stated, “I’ve been delivering babies now for 47 years and this is the greatest discovery I’ve seen in the field.” He also stated that babies will be able to learn to read at a faster pace and possibly even be able to breath under water for up to several hours at a time; thus ending the term, “baby being thrown out with the bath water.”

Hilary Clinton Delivers Disaster on American Idol

Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton made a surprise guest appearance on American Idol last week, shocking audience members across the country and horrifying judges with her very disturbing rendition of Aerosmith’s Dream On. Clinton, who has literally no singing experience whatsoever, intrigued Fox producers when she requested to be the final performer of the season. Producers were reluctant to agree with the request at first but later quickly welcomed Clinton after receiving several requests to perform by Marie Osmond. “Clinton sang the first part of the song rather nicely,” said Randy Jackson, “but when she started to imitate Steve Tyler and scream into the microphone, that’s when I knew this was going to be a disaster”. At the end of her performance, Clinton was booed by audience members off the stage as an embarrassed Ryan Seacrest attempted to pull the whole thing off as a practical joke. As Clinton pranced off the stage, the judges sat in disgust; Randy Jackson sat angrily as Steven Tyler sat covering his face while a rather confused looking Jennifer Lopez asked, “What was that, some sick joke?” Fox producers declined an interview but when asked about Clinton’s performance, stated, “She will not be invited back.” When asked if he thinks Hilary has any type of talent or future with a music career, Steven Tyler simply shrugged his shoulders and said, “Dream On”. Clinton has plans to appear America’s Got Talent and Dancing with the Stars next season.